Sunday, March 8, 2009

Doga

So this is a "Doga" class. As you can tell by the name (and pictures, unless you are a complete twit), "Doga" is "Yoga" that incorporates your dog.

OK.


So I admit. I'm jealous. Like super, supremely royal bitch jealous. Like the way I feel about Angelina Jolie or Susan Boyle.


Let me explain. I love my dog. Charlie. But he is seriously the worst, most ill-behaved dog to come from his species since Cerberus, the Hound of Hell.
He's just not one of these dogs who likes snuggling or giving "kissies" or "thinks he's people". I'm pretty sure he thinks he's a nasty, snarling psycho who only exists to bark, growl and basically destroy everything in his path.


His list of behavioral atrocities is endless.




At home, he jumps on furniture, knocks over vases and steals food right off my plate when I’m not looking. In public, he pulls me around like a Husky forging through the last lengths of the Iditarod. He has tripped me, knocked me down, knocked other people down, and knocked me while I tried to help people he has knocked down.


One time, he stole an entire ice cream cone from a small child. When she started to cry, he barked at her.

He once got into a fight with a police dog. (Hey, did you know they can arrest you for the crazy shit your dog does?!!?? Fun fact.)


We were once asked to leave a Petsmart. (And by once I mean twice. And by twice I mean banned from three stores in Southern California).
Believe me, I have tried. In the eleven years I have had him, I have done “Positive Reinforcement”, “Reward Training”, used whistles, clickers, clackers, treats, buzzers, prayer, and I think once a voodoo chant. My dog has flunked out of every single training program ever.




Despite all that, Charlie did somehow manage to learn some things. Like that “Sit” means “Jump Up On Whoever Just Said That and Try to Knock Them The Fuck Over.” “Stay” means “Turn Around and Fart” and “Come” means “Just Lay Down and Start Licking Your Balls or Something”.





I once had a trainer with 32 years of experience tell me it was not worth the "mental anguish" his staff would have to endure to take my dog on.



So you see how I am jealous of this doga shit. I could never get him to do this.





Our first trip would probably result in a lifetime ban from all “Doga” classes nationwide, if not multiple personal injury lawsuits. If I even attempted to get him in one of these “Doga” positions, he would probably just growl at me until I let him rip my yoga mat to shreds. While the class was doing “calming breathing exercises” in lotus position, he would walk to the center of the room and take a massive, Spartan sized dump. (Because I think he thinks he's supposed to poop in new places, judging by how often he does this)




*SIGH*. Someone please remind me why I don't like cats?:




Peace & Love,

RR